(words and music-S.Wells)
Toledo, Ohio-here we go! We’re homebrewing Americans with tattooed skin. Been to the east coast and the west coast, the midwest and the great North, we’ve spent a lot of time in that Lazy van. We love venison and the Great Lakes. Yeah, we’ve made some mistakes. Been going so fast, haven’t used the brakes. You can’t kick me to the floor, “Cause I’m already there and I’m comfortable. You can call us names, those are just words. After the show, take us to Toledo.
You show me your tattoo by rolling up your sleeve. You start talking about tattoos and how your “taz” didn’t bleed, how much under the arm hurts, and all I hear is “deedle-lee.” I don’t know about you, but I got my tattoos for me. It’s a machine, not a gun. I never “shot” anyone. Even as I tried to write these words the other night, a guy walked up and said to me, “Hey, Dude! Check out my new tat!” “I know it’s not the greatest, but I got it for free. My old lady’s got one, it says, “property of Jimmy.” My cousin is so original, his ass says, “exit only,” and fifteen other slogans all etched out in O.E.” It’s a machine, not a gun. I never shot anyone. Stop, you’re acting like a turd! Please, hear these golden words…..If I want to see your tattoo, I will ask you.
I like the Mud Hens and the great outdoors and tubing the mighty Maumee(River.) I’ll start a big fire with The Duke and the boys down at Momma Sherry’s. I like 12 guage shotguns and Monty Python and rockin’ with Irby and T. My CD collection is mostly Black Sabbath and Legbone’s Beer:30. Here’s our radio song. You all can sing along. Some catchy little riffs and not too long. You’ll hear it at the bar. You’ll hum it in your car. It could turn 3 dorks into stars. If things keep going my way, then we’ll be on the highway bringing rock and roll to every town. Am I singing slow enough, so you all can understand. Enunciation is the key. I’m sending that note with the “Y” and the “N” boxes that says, “Will you go with me?” Here’s our radio song…… This is the part where I tear out my heart and tell you how much I love you, but I’m only hearing what I want to hear. And yes, I’d love an omelet right now! If things keep going my way…….If the track should bend, you can bet your life my friend, that this Monorail will be back around.
(words and music-T.Evans)
“I’m waiting in my cold cell as the bell begins to chime, reflecting on my past life and it doesn’t have much time, ‘cause at five o’clock they take me to the gallows pole, the sands of time for me are running low.” Oh listen to the lyrics, man, his content’s got the juice. Open mouth and insert foot, nobody bags the Bruce! “Taunting us with visions and inflicting us with fear, predicting war for millions in the hope no one appears.” Oh listen….. Big mouth, little man, you’re all the rage. Don’t speak for me. You try’n rip the “Air-Raid Siren” ….no integrity! Oh listen to the lyrics, Hank, his content’s got the juice. You open mouth and insert foot, nobody bags the Bruce!
(words and music-S.Wells)
You call me crazy, I say I am alive. You’re pursuing your honey in an empty beehive. The faster you go, the less you see. Stop and be part of this great mystery. The real wild’s in the concrete cities. Robots and T.V. screens dressed as thieves. Robbing your soul, killing your senses, and keeping you bound in the madness. You can’t hear me if you’re always talking. You won’t get me, girl, if your approach is stalking. I don’t think T.V. is bad in small doses. It can make you laugh, and that’s good medicine. Good things are good. Bad things are bad. I hope your life isn’t all that sad.
There stands the glass. Fill it up to the rim. ‘Til my troubles are dim, it’s my first one today. There stands the glass that’ll ease all my pain, that’ll settle my brain. Mother, I’m on my way. I’m wonderin’ where you are tonight. I’m wonderin’ if you are alright. I’m wonderin’ if you think of me in my misery. There stands the glass….
(This is a song about fake people. It is no way a slam against Native Americans)
The “flowers” you gave me were so nice, bt the “bees hiding in the petals” stung me in the eyes. But, I’ve never seen as well as I see right now. I spy a Windian and I gave him a “How!” I could build a tipi and yell, “Geronimo!” I could dye my hair black and yell, “Wigwam! Wigwam!” What am I saying? I really don’t know. Badoh means potato. Come on over to my longhouse. Bring some wampum, frybread, and some saurkraut. I’ll have my breech clout on and I’ll be free ballin’. When the sun goes down, we’ll do some earthworm stalkin’. I could build a tipi…….What exactly is your family tree? Are you Lumbee like your card says? Are you Cherokee because your wife is? Are you just heavy German like me? You’re a good friend, a family man, a hunter, and a fisherman, but you’re no chief to me. The “flowers” you gave…….
(words and music-S.Wells)
A little more parenting and a little less blaming guns. Shooting clay pigeons on the weekend can be lots of fun. Safety first, havin’ a blast! That’s my tip of the day. What else can I say? I like shooting guns! Measure the powder put it in the end. A patch and a lead ball, I’ll ramrod it in. Shoot it at night, watch sparks fly out the end. Kentucky long rifle, my fifty inch friend. It’s a freedom I’m proud to be an American rifleman. Come on out to the farm and we’ll let the noisy fun begin. A little more parenting…… Ask the folks down under just how it works. They took their guns a few years back, here’s how it hurts. Armed robbery’s up in a horrific way. I guess the criminals don’t register their guns, eh?!(Gun control laws only affect law abiding citizens!) It’s a freedom……..I’m so glad we have Ammendment Two. It’s there to protect me and you as our forefathers intended it to. Come on out to the farm and we’ll let the noisy fun begin! A little more parenting……
(words and music-T.Evans)
Lazy, Lazy, Lazy, time to get back in the van. Turnpike Mercenaries takin’ every show we can. Block out on the atlas, mapping one more club to raid. Who knows, if we’re lucky maybe this time we’ll get paid. Asphalt Commando(4x) Journey’s on the jukebox, we rock out and have a laugh. Occupy the stage, proceed to saw that pitch in half. Unlock Lazy fury, man it’s heavy, fast, and hard. Packin’ up it’s time to roll on down the boulevard. Asphalt Commando(4x) When I was a young boy, man, I played the silver ball. From Northtowne out to Southwyck man, I must have played them all. Now crashin’ towns with time to spare, investigate the fun. It’s arcades for the “gun games” or the “class of ‘81”(Ms. Pac-Man/Galaga combo game) Asphalt Commando(4x)
The Hens are downtown, it makes the L.A.W. smile. The Hens are downtown, it’s been coming for a while. Screw all of you who said it wouldn’t work. The Hens are downtown, breaking attendance records. I saw Mayor Ford at the game the other day. T asked me if I’d shake his hand, I said, “Hell no. No way!” If he had his way, in Maumee they still would play. No, it’s not the Maumee Mud Hens, Jack. Check the Name! The hens are downtown….The only thing I miss about the Ned(Ned Skeldon Stadium) is Hotdog Sam. He could sell a hotdog to a vegetarian. If the Tigers didn’t suck so bad, maybe we’d keep our team. I can’t blame them for wanting to go to the show, ‘cause that’s the American dream. Even if you don’t have a ticket, you can watch the game through the iron fences in the outfield. Watch out for police horse droppings and homeruns! The only thing I miss about the Ned is Hotdog Sam.
(words and music-T.Evans)
I’m the Pimp of the Lake, you’d better read The Blade(“One of America’s great newspapers”) I’m waxin’ up my board, best one money can buy. I’ll tell you I built it myself, just to keep a cool rep. If you wanna surf with T, better bring a wool cap. I’m out there at dawn, got my wetsuit on. It’s just an extra large, wedge a fat body inside. Man, I can really shred, how can I put it in words? And it all goes to my head. All you mother-scrubbers are turds! It’s all green and brown out there with dead fish scent, but I don’t care. The ph level is bad for my hair, surf Lake Erie oh why?! Jammin’ on Maumee Bay every nice cloudy day. I’m cold rippin’ the curls, impressin’ all the girls. Great Lakes are the bomb to a surfin’ machine. You’d better ask your mom, boy that lake is mean!
(original version by The Rubinoos)
(words and music-M.Liedtke)
((c)1983 Zomba Music) We all know The Trooper is an Iron Maiden song….
RECORDED AT SLAVE PIT STUDIOS, RICHMOND,VA FEBRUARY 2003
ENGINEERED BY COREY”FLATTUS MAXIMUS”SMOOT FOR KARMA PROD.
PRODUCED BY LAZY AMERICAN WORKERS AND COREY SMOOT
MASTERED AT WATCHMEN STUDIOS, LOCKPORT,NY BY DOUG WHITE
ALL L.A.W. LOGOS. COVER DESIGN, BACK COVER PHOTO, SAND TIPI PHOTO, AND LAYOUT BY SYEVE WELLS
T’S SCOUT PHOTO BY PHYLLIS A. EVANS, LIVE PHOTOS BY JENNY MONTGOMERY
L.A.W. WOULD LIKE TO THANK: RICK AND ADAM AT JAGERMEISTER, ED SHIMBORSKE III AND MICHAEL SEDAY AT SIN KLUB, SMOOTY TANG, ALL AT CARGO, MARCO AT CARVIN, EVERYONE AT ERNIE BALL, GOOCH AT ESP GUITARS, MIKE AT TRS MUSIC, LEMMY AND ZOEY, MIKE LIEDTKE, KEVIN TUFTS, ANDREW CLARK, CARL HERKIMER, AMANDA MORONTI, KENYAYA SULLIVAN AND ALL W.E. FESTERS, RYAN KUPER, MIKE”THE DUKE”HILL, JAMES COOPER, GREG AND ALL AT PUNKROCKNIGHT.COM, BRAD”JIZMAK”ROBERTS, STEVE AT EVANS DRUM HEADS, MIKE”BALSAC”DERKS, JAMIE”EL GUAPO”SILER, TOMMY KENNEDY, LYNDSAY STILES, TOM TAYLOR, DAVE’S DRUM DEPOT, TAMMI KETTMAN, KRISTA KENNEDY, TIMMY G., BFM, RYUICHI NAKAZAWA, DAN SHINN AT LAYS GUITARS IN AKRON FOR SAVING T’S FLYING V, NICK”NUKEMAN”SANSOM, KEN HAAS, STEIGS AND KEITH IN BOSTON, SONNY AND BIG JOHN AT CAVE CREEK CYCLES IN PHOENIX, R.D. IN SEATTLE, AARON & DERRICK & THE BEND, OR CREW, DAVE AND HOLLY IN L.A., MARTY IN ELMIRA,NY, GABBY MOLOTOV IN N.Y.C., WAYNE AT MAGNUM MUSIC, TROY B. AND ALL THE CINCINNATI BASEMENT ROCKERS, STRETCH IN KANSAS CITY, MAC’S BAR IN LANSING, THE MELODY INN IN INDIANAPOLIS, THE EMPTY GLASS IN CHARLESTON,WV, 7 BLACK CATS IN TUCSON, THE LIME SPIDER IN AKRON,OH, ALVIN’S IN DETROIT, AND THE FOLLOWING BANDS: LEGBONE, EIGHT BALL GRIFTER, HOSTILE OMISH, A PLANET FOR TEXAS, C.D. TRUTH, DAVE BROCKIE EXPERIENCE, PISTOL WHIPPERS, THE DEAD HEROES, THE PB ARMY, PIZZLE, BUMP-N-UGLIES, THE GOON, PETER TORQUE, FLATUS, AND THE IMPALER.